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 Funny Jokes!

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Arijit
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PostSubject: Funny Jokes!   Sat Mar 07, 2009 1:43 pm

Sunday School
1) Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe?” When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!”

… the teacher fainted!


Chinese girl Joke

2)Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.”

The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon… You got nice house.”


Lawyer Joke

3) A mother and her daughter were visiting the grave site of a loved one, when on their way back to the car they little girl stopped her mom. She said “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”

“Of course not, sweetheart.” her mother replied, “Why ever would you ask such a question?”

“The headstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’”


Pope's Alaskan Bear Hunt

4) The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear’s chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned al of them men over to him. “I give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly proclaimed. “I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, “Who the heck was that guy?”

“Dude, that was was the Pope,” another replied. “He’s in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.”

“Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn’t know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?”


Are computers male or female?

5)A foreign language teacher was explaining to her class that, unlike their English counterparts, French nouns are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Confused, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”

The French teacher wasn’t sure which gender it was, so she ivided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories.
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PostSubject: Good Joke..   Mon Mar 09, 2009 5:37 pm

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor
for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said , "Things are great and I've never felt better."
I now have a 20 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went "bang, bang."


"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."


The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes!   Mon Mar 09, 2009 5:39 pm

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.

"No. Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks?"
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PostSubject: Osama in hell   Mon Mar 09, 2009 11:47 pm

Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don`t know what to do here," the devil says. "You`re on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I`ll tell you what I`m going to do: I`ve got a couple of people here who weren`t quite as bad as you. I`ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I`ll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil led him into the first room.
In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," bin Laden said, "I don`t think so. I`m not a good swimmer and I don`t think I could do that all day long."

So the devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledgehammer and a huge pile of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I`ve got this problem with my shoulder. I`d be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day," Laden commented.

So the devil opened a third door. In it, bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was his girl Monica, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden stared in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you`re free to go."
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PostSubject: The robot slap   Mon Mar 09, 2009 11:51 pm

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy. 'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

' The Ten Commandments .' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!

You can't be too mad with Tommy.After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
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PostSubject: Man hated the cat   Mon Mar 09, 2009 11:53 pm

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 miles from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 miles away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few hundred miles away, constantly taking random turns right and left until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife:

"Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a b**ch on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"
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PostSubject: Singh is KInggg   Tue Mar 10, 2009 8:25 pm

Boss: Where were you born?
Sardar: Punjab ..
Boss: which part?
Sardar: Kya which part? Whole body born in Punjab .


2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb
explodes while fixing.
Sardar 2: Dont worry , I have one more.

Sardar: What is the name of your car?
Lady: I forgot the name , but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar: Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai , Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi petrol se start hoti hai.



Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order , so I made it alright.

Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.


At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand , oh!
Santa: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?



Banta: U cheated me...
Shopkeeper: No , I sold a good radio to u.
Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is all India Radio!



NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE:
In an interview , Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .....
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...



Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Santa: Tipu's skeleton.
Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?
Santa: That was Tipu's skeleton when he was child

No offense to any sardarjis
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stormgrab
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PostSubject: Sardar in Arabia   Tue Mar 10, 2009 9:03 pm

A Sardar, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia , so

for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced:

"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The German was first in line; he thought for a while and then said:

"Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said

smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly.

The Sardar was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:

"You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," Sardar replied.

"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it." And what is your second wish?" the Sheik asked.

Sardar smiled and said, " Tie the Pakistani to my back " !!!
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Koushik S
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes!   Thu Mar 12, 2009 2:38 pm

A rocket and an Aeroplane was flying. They had a conversation:

Rocket : Why do you fly so slow?

Aeroplane : Because i have children in my stomach. How do u fly so fast?

Rocket : Let them light a fire at your back, and you'll know

Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes!   Thu Mar 12, 2009 2:56 pm

The problem with old age is that every part of your body feels stiff except the part that u want stiff.

So, enjoy ur age before old age have fun b4 its too late.
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes!   Thu Mar 12, 2009 2:58 pm

4 toothpaste ad they show teeth
4 hair oil they show hair
4 face cream they show face
But 4 Whisper & Condoms
they r not showing anything,
that's cheating.

Jaago Grahak Jaago
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes!   Thu Mar 12, 2009 2:58 pm

What if MALIKA SHERAWAT
plats the role of draupadi
in mahabharat?

Duryodhan wld say, "pehle
isko kapde to pehnao...
tabhi to vastr haran karunga!
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PostSubject: How old is this drink??   Thu Mar 12, 2009 7:18 pm

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference. The guy downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch."
So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.
The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.
An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this."
The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God! That tastes like piss," he yells.
"Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"
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PostSubject: Piss Drunk   Thu Mar 12, 2009 7:22 pm

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, "Betcha $20 I can bite my eye."
The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, "Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye."
Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.
He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, "Hey, barkeep," he burbles, "I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop."
The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.
"What's so funny?" says the barkeep. "You just lost everything you won and more!"
Well," giggles the man, "I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry."
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PostSubject: Stick of Dynamite   Thu Mar 12, 2009 7:24 pm

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
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PostSubject: Blonde wanted a TV   Thu Mar 12, 2009 7:29 pm

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxx

A blonde and a both jump off a cliff at the same time. Which one will hit the bottom first?
The brunette, because the blonde has to ask for directions.
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PostSubject: Bush's Favor   Thu Mar 12, 2009 7:33 pm

George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a little man walks up to him. "Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my name is Steve Case, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, Steve'."
Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by, deep in conversation with his client.
Bush came up and said, "Hello, Steve."
The little man says, "Buzz off, Bush! I'm in a meeting," and keeps walking.
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PostSubject: Height of Buttering   Thu Mar 12, 2009 9:45 pm

Prof: Where is your assignment?

Student: Sir i lost it fighting with a guy who said that you were not the best prof in the college....
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PostSubject: japanese visit to india   Thu Mar 12, 2009 9:57 pm

A japanese came to India

He took an auto to go to airport.

On the way a Honda overtakes, he said Honda made in Japan very fast,
nest a Toyota overtakes, he said Toyota made in Japan very fast.

airport came he asked how much??

Driver: 800 rs

japanese: why so expensive?

driver: meter made in India very very fast........
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PostSubject: technology every where ......   Thu Mar 12, 2009 11:21 pm

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.


> >Meanwhile... ..somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: >*-*-*-*-*-*- *-*-*-*-* -*-*-*-*- *-*-*-*-* -*-*-*-*- *-*-*-*-* -*-*-* > >



To: My Loving Wife >Subject: I've reached >Date: 16 May 2002 > >I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to Seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes!   Sat Mar 14, 2009 7:45 pm

Hey yo the "Admin" why don't you rename this site as KnowalltheunknownPJ's.com.The jokes are so lame that even my Grandmother cracks better jokes than these stupid ones
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes!   Sat Mar 14, 2009 8:26 pm

nice jokes.. though skipped many becuz lazy to read the big jokes...
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PostSubject: good joke   Sat Mar 14, 2009 8:43 pm

A little boy wanted Rs.50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the Rs.50.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God , INDIA , they decided to forward it to the President of the India as a joke.

The President was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Rs.20.

The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money (Rs.50) to a little boy, and he did not want to spoil the kid.

The little boy was delighted with Rs.20, and decided to write a thank you note to God, which read:

"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through the Rashtrapati Bhavan in New Delhi , and those donkeys deducted Rs.30 as tax .... "
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PostSubject: AWESOME JUMBLING OF WORDS   Sat Mar 14, 2009 8:53 pm

DILIP VENGSARKAR
When you rearrange the letters:
SPARKLING DRIVE



PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN



DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROO M





ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER




DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT




THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE






A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE




AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
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PostSubject: Re: Funny Jokes!   Sat Mar 14, 2009 9:05 pm

Avenger wrote:
Hey yo the "Admin" why don't you rename this site as KnowalltheunknownPJ's.com.The jokes are so lame that even my Grandmother cracks better jokes than these stupid ones

We encourage our members making positive suggestions and feedbacks and we are looking forward to it. But we don't encourage our members making negative comments about others posts or about the site.

If you think the jokes are lame, please feel free not to read them and maybe you should ask your grandmother to post jokes more often. If you are here just to criticize the site and other members posts, you can consider this as your first and last warning.

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Funny Jokes!
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